Now It's Time to Say Goodbye
11 years ago
Friday, April 30, 2010
PLEASE NOTE!!!!
I am now advertising on my blog, but I misunderstood the content of the advertisements so bear with me while I work it out. I DO NOT advocate the messages appearing in the advertisements on my page!!!!
So let's play catch up, eh?
Two posts, two days in a row by jove, a new record! (Can you tell we are reading Carry On, Mr Bowditch ?) In all honesty I'm sick and...well, bored. I'm usually pretty active, but not today. Not this entire spring actually. Oh I just can't keep it from you anymore, I'm pregnant again! I'm in my 9th week and so far everything is looking good. Again, we are holding off on telling the kids until around the 15 week mark. I thought since I was bored and all we could play a little catch up.
Well, let's see. What shall we talk about? Ah....yes, of course. Alas, I will share with you one of my worst moments. After all, none of us bloggers are perfect are we? And since this is indeed a therapy blog, we must encourage honesty on all fronts. So I will share with you one of my worst, most humbling moments thus far as a step-mother. I secretly refer to it as my "scanky moment". I hate even the sound of that word, which is why it is perfect to describe my character in this story.
Let's back up to late winter when the boys were planned to come home for an early Spring break. This was possible since for a few short months they were living 6 hours away instead of the usual 1300 miles away. So, the plan was for me to meet their mom at a half way point. Check. My husband was on call for work, so I went loner on this one. I don't like doing that. Not because I mind, just because it does disappoint one of my step sons a little and I notice things like that. But I thought we'll make it fun, it will be fine. It had been a stressful week for reasons I won't go into at moment. Needless to say, my daughter stayed home with my husband and he was going to finish up her school work with her while I did the traveling. It was a great plan. Except, when we are weak from stress and not on guard and we are going to meet the person who we love to blame all of life's problems on, we really should have some sort of accountability. We meaning me. I learned this about myself through this experience. Noted to self. Moving on....
I set out. We were to meet at 12:00 their time 11:00 am our time. Good it was 8:15, just enough time for the 2 1/2 - 2 3/4 hour drive. Right on time. I took a deep breath and then remembered..."I need gas!!! Oh no, I'm right on time. Well, I have to get gas." I get to the cheapest gas pump in town which is of course out of the way, and I realize, "Oh crap! I don't have my purse." Turning the van around, I realize I must make the call of shame. I dearly despise this call because it is a well known fact that my husbands ex-wife is NEVER late and ALWAYS organized. Of course, if I were on guard, I would recognize this as pride and work through it. Oh no! Not this day. I roll my eyes at the thought of their perfectly timed trip and grimace as I dial.
"Hey!" Fake happy.
"Hi, how are you?" I can hear that highway sound and can tell they are already on the road and going. How sweet she is to ask after my welfare.
Rolling my eyes, "I'm fine. I just went to get gas and realized I didn't have my purse, so I'm going to have to go back home, get gas, then I'll be on my way. So I'll be a little late."
"Oh okay. What time do you think you'll get there?" I don't know! It depends on how fast I drive!
"Uh....I guess it will take about a half hour to get back home, and get gas before I get back on the road."
"Oh, okay. We will probably stop and waste a little time eating or something like that. Just call us when you get there."
At this point of course I had forgotten that it takes her just a little over three hours to make the trip, and it takes me only about 2 1/2 hours. If I had remembered though it would have made things worse because I didn't like this, because I like everything to be even and fair. That way no one can pretend to be a martyr. Which I have in confidence accused my husbands ex of being. Although I feel I have evidence of this I of course could not know if she is indeed guilty of this level of manipulation....when I'm bitter I just take comfort in accusing her of these type things. Close your jaw now, it does get worse before it gets better. Now by this point even though I have forgotten the time issue which would have prompted me to give a different answer about my arrival time, I've finally gotten everything straighten out and I'm on the road. It is 8:45 now and I'd just gotten on the interstate. This was a pivotal moment. It is in this quietness that I can regroup, and get back on guard. But what did I do? I found it my duty to nurse every bitter thought I've ever had about this women. That is what bitterness is after all, enjoying unforgiveness. I didn't avoid the Lord completely here. I just decided to whine and gripe to Him about the ex the whole way. Oh sure I threw in a little, "Oh God, please help me love this women", or a "Oh God, I know I shouldn't be so bitter..but..." I did say I forgive her. But I didn't actually do it. Because if I had, I would have given up my right to be bitter. And I just didn't want to do that on this ride. I was being disobedient....and we'll see where that landed me, next time......
Well, let's see. What shall we talk about? Ah....yes, of course. Alas, I will share with you one of my worst moments. After all, none of us bloggers are perfect are we? And since this is indeed a therapy blog, we must encourage honesty on all fronts. So I will share with you one of my worst, most humbling moments thus far as a step-mother. I secretly refer to it as my "scanky moment". I hate even the sound of that word, which is why it is perfect to describe my character in this story.
Let's back up to late winter when the boys were planned to come home for an early Spring break. This was possible since for a few short months they were living 6 hours away instead of the usual 1300 miles away. So, the plan was for me to meet their mom at a half way point. Check. My husband was on call for work, so I went loner on this one. I don't like doing that. Not because I mind, just because it does disappoint one of my step sons a little and I notice things like that. But I thought we'll make it fun, it will be fine. It had been a stressful week for reasons I won't go into at moment. Needless to say, my daughter stayed home with my husband and he was going to finish up her school work with her while I did the traveling. It was a great plan. Except, when we are weak from stress and not on guard and we are going to meet the person who we love to blame all of life's problems on, we really should have some sort of accountability. We meaning me. I learned this about myself through this experience. Noted to self. Moving on....
I set out. We were to meet at 12:00 their time 11:00 am our time. Good it was 8:15, just enough time for the 2 1/2 - 2 3/4 hour drive. Right on time. I took a deep breath and then remembered..."I need gas!!! Oh no, I'm right on time. Well, I have to get gas." I get to the cheapest gas pump in town which is of course out of the way, and I realize, "Oh crap! I don't have my purse." Turning the van around, I realize I must make the call of shame. I dearly despise this call because it is a well known fact that my husbands ex-wife is NEVER late and ALWAYS organized. Of course, if I were on guard, I would recognize this as pride and work through it. Oh no! Not this day. I roll my eyes at the thought of their perfectly timed trip and grimace as I dial.
"Hey!" Fake happy.
"Hi, how are you?" I can hear that highway sound and can tell they are already on the road and going. How sweet she is to ask after my welfare.
Rolling my eyes, "I'm fine. I just went to get gas and realized I didn't have my purse, so I'm going to have to go back home, get gas, then I'll be on my way. So I'll be a little late."
"Oh okay. What time do you think you'll get there?" I don't know! It depends on how fast I drive!
"Uh....I guess it will take about a half hour to get back home, and get gas before I get back on the road."
"Oh, okay. We will probably stop and waste a little time eating or something like that. Just call us when you get there."
At this point of course I had forgotten that it takes her just a little over three hours to make the trip, and it takes me only about 2 1/2 hours. If I had remembered though it would have made things worse because I didn't like this, because I like everything to be even and fair. That way no one can pretend to be a martyr. Which I have in confidence accused my husbands ex of being. Although I feel I have evidence of this I of course could not know if she is indeed guilty of this level of manipulation....when I'm bitter I just take comfort in accusing her of these type things. Close your jaw now, it does get worse before it gets better. Now by this point even though I have forgotten the time issue which would have prompted me to give a different answer about my arrival time, I've finally gotten everything straighten out and I'm on the road. It is 8:45 now and I'd just gotten on the interstate. This was a pivotal moment. It is in this quietness that I can regroup, and get back on guard. But what did I do? I found it my duty to nurse every bitter thought I've ever had about this women. That is what bitterness is after all, enjoying unforgiveness. I didn't avoid the Lord completely here. I just decided to whine and gripe to Him about the ex the whole way. Oh sure I threw in a little, "Oh God, please help me love this women", or a "Oh God, I know I shouldn't be so bitter..but..." I did say I forgive her. But I didn't actually do it. Because if I had, I would have given up my right to be bitter. And I just didn't want to do that on this ride. I was being disobedient....and we'll see where that landed me, next time......
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Brithday Blues
Well, today is the 29th and I'm 29 years young! Yippee :) Truth be told I've got a few of the birthday blues. And no, it's not because I'm sick with an upper respiratory infection, despite several nearly heroic attempts to consume my weight in raw vegetable juices laced with grapefruit seed extract and vitamin C powder all the while choking down handfuls of vitamins and garlic only to chase that appetizing recipe with a big whiff of fresh lemon to keep me from drowning in nausea. Okay, so I'm a little dramatic. Well, it's my birthday and I can be dramatic if I want to......or something like that.
I had a wonderful day despite my temporary illness. Wonderful birthday and get well wishes from several friends, as well as helpful advice and tangible help to keep me healthy. My husband has pampered me with the only spare time he has in a day. My daughter has gone out of her way to whisk me off my feet and show me how much she loves me and cares for me. I truly feel very blessed.
But....there has to be a but, right? Or the title of the blog wouldn't be birthday blues. I miss my boys...okay, my step-boys. I miss them. Not because I expect them to shower me with birthday banners...because I truly don't. There was a time when I would have tried to throw myself a pity party telling myself something like, "They didn't even call! See, that proves it, they don't love me!" W aah, w aah cry me a river. That's not it though, I don't have those type of expectations for my sweet step-boys. It's just that this is another day apart from them. Another day in which I realize these two super special, growing young men, really don't have anything to do with my day to day life. But I love them, and I want to share my life, our life with them. I want to know them in the everday kind of way, not the vacation stay kind of way. Truth is, they never much notice their dads birthday either. Wonder how that makes him feel? He doesn't much talk about it, but I bet it feels a little something like what I've felt today. This little place in my heart that is just empty because I long to share it with two of the most special people in my life, but I can't. And I'm not gonna lie, it would be nice to be remembered on my birthday by those two people. It would be nice, and sweet and endearing - but I don't expect it. I guess I'm just coming to grips with the fact that I can hurt without a pity party. It's okay and normal for me to pour my heart out and love these two boys and be sad when they feel so far away, because they are so far away. It is the same feeling we had last weekend when we stopped to pray for our son in the middle of our family night because he was in a big production at church. We couldn't be there. It made our hearts ache. I can't help but ache for them as well. If me, a grown adult of 29 hurts and has a hard time, how do these precious ones take it? Thankfully I serve a big God. He's big enough to handle my hurt, to fill my emptiness and to care for the boys hurts too - even if they are growing up 1300 miles away. Before I know it, I'm not so blue anymore. Just sad, and this too shall pass.
Hebrews 12
12 Therefore strengthen the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees, 13 and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be dislocated, but rather be healed
I had a wonderful day despite my temporary illness. Wonderful birthday and get well wishes from several friends, as well as helpful advice and tangible help to keep me healthy. My husband has pampered me with the only spare time he has in a day. My daughter has gone out of her way to whisk me off my feet and show me how much she loves me and cares for me. I truly feel very blessed.
But....there has to be a but, right? Or the title of the blog wouldn't be birthday blues. I miss my boys...okay, my step-boys. I miss them. Not because I expect them to shower me with birthday banners...because I truly don't. There was a time when I would have tried to throw myself a pity party telling myself something like, "They didn't even call! See, that proves it, they don't love me!" W aah, w aah cry me a river. That's not it though, I don't have those type of expectations for my sweet step-boys. It's just that this is another day apart from them. Another day in which I realize these two super special, growing young men, really don't have anything to do with my day to day life. But I love them, and I want to share my life, our life with them. I want to know them in the everday kind of way, not the vacation stay kind of way. Truth is, they never much notice their dads birthday either. Wonder how that makes him feel? He doesn't much talk about it, but I bet it feels a little something like what I've felt today. This little place in my heart that is just empty because I long to share it with two of the most special people in my life, but I can't. And I'm not gonna lie, it would be nice to be remembered on my birthday by those two people. It would be nice, and sweet and endearing - but I don't expect it. I guess I'm just coming to grips with the fact that I can hurt without a pity party. It's okay and normal for me to pour my heart out and love these two boys and be sad when they feel so far away, because they are so far away. It is the same feeling we had last weekend when we stopped to pray for our son in the middle of our family night because he was in a big production at church. We couldn't be there. It made our hearts ache. I can't help but ache for them as well. If me, a grown adult of 29 hurts and has a hard time, how do these precious ones take it? Thankfully I serve a big God. He's big enough to handle my hurt, to fill my emptiness and to care for the boys hurts too - even if they are growing up 1300 miles away. Before I know it, I'm not so blue anymore. Just sad, and this too shall pass.
Hebrews 12
12 Therefore strengthen the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees, 13 and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be dislocated, but rather be healed
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