Meditating on the Word

Last year, in December, my husband and I suffered a miscarriage as a result of our first pregnancy as a married couple. It was very sad. But we found out how common it actually is to miscarry and we were hopeful for another chance. About three weeks ago, we found out we were pregnant again! This time we chose not to tell the children until the four month mark at Christmas. This would be perfect since the boys would be in town and it would be everybody's turn to be with us for Christmas.
Thursday I went to the doctor with a few symptoms which were not encouraging. The doctor could find no heartbeat, and he couldn't see any baby - but wouldn't say for sure it was a miscarriage - hoping I'm just not as far along as we all thought. Many thoughts were going through my head - thoughts that were not so good to be meditating on. Was there some sin in my life that needed to be dealt with? Could this be a sign from God? Punishment? Are we not good enough parents to have more? Yes - believe it or not, I get sucked in pretty quick to negative thoughts. The doctor hadn't even confirmed a miscarriage and already I was condemning myself.
I took a deep breath and decided we should have family night one night early. We had a good night of laughter, Little House on the Praire, pizza, ice cream and brownies with our daughter. Then it was off to bed for her, and there I sat. Thankfully the Lord spoke to me through His word and through a friend and my thoughts began to reflect His Truth. And just to make me feel special God brought just the right thing at the right time - my 14 yr old step-son popped up on Facebook asking me if I would mind proofing a paper he had written. It was so nice to be needed. That may sound silly, but they are so far away, living such a different life than we are - it was nice just to know I had been thought of. Call me a nerd, but I had a blast proofing his little paper!
The next day as I was cleaning and listening to Chip Ingram's Living on the Edge program, I heard him speaking about the importance of meditating on Truth. It was a good reminder. (Does God ever have to tell you things repetitively?) Whatever we set our minds on controls us. So during this waiting season of my life - I shall meditate gladly on God's word - knowing in Him whatever the outcome, I am secure in the promises of His love. Will you meditate with me?

Isaiah 38:15 - 19 - a praise to God from Hezekiah who the Lord had just promised to heal and add 15 years to his life

John 15 - abide

And I don't know why, but this one is my favorite for right now -

Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. Being found in appearance as man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on the cross.

Phillipians 2:5-8

What Time Doesn't Heal

It is the little things that are struggles for us step-moms. I got a letter in the mail stating my step-son was to represent our county in October in a State Variety Contest since he won a regional variety contest this past summer. I was immediately excited. I thought, "We're going to be able to see the boys!" That was my first thought....geeze when will I learn it isn't up to us when we see them. I sent an e-mail to the mother letting her know the situation. Her husband, the boy's step-father, is home from overseas this month, and they have a trip planned with him - so the contest is a no-go. I'm trying so hard to understand. I'm really trying not to be selfish. It is right - it is right. It is right for them to be together, to have their family united for a short time. I guess it just feels like there is more evidence. More evidence that the boys don't really have a life here, a home. It is just where they spend a few weeks in the summer. Sighs. I'm grieving. I'm grieving not having a family. Time only stacks up more evidence it seems. More evidence prooving I don't have a family.
Then I remember. I remember about the sacrificial love of our Father in heaven. I must focus on this. He gave up His only Son - His very position at the right hand of the Father in heaven so that we could be a part of His family. So we could be adopted, grafted into His family. So we could have unbroken fellowship with Him. I remember that it is my reasonable service to sacrifice my life to Him because of this. It is the least I can do. I don't love the boys because I can see them, because I have the opportunity to share my life with them. I don't love them because they are my husbands boys, and therefore mine. I don't love them because they love me. I love him because He first loved me.
I know what I'm doing here, being a step-mom, isn't anything compared to what many people go through, what their struggles are. I've never lost a child to death, I've never struggled through cancer. But this walk is hard to accept nontheless. It goes against human nature. That I should sacrifice my finances, time, energy, plans, and dreams for children who could never give me what most children give their parents - simply themselves. They aren't mine to receive, yet I've been called to give of myself to them. When I grieve what I can't have as a stepmother it comforts me to remember the sacrifices our Father has made so that all those willing could be grafted into the family of Christ. I remember the many times I rejected His sacrficial love. I look around at our world and I see how He is rejected by so many over and over. When I feel rejected I have learned to feel ever closer to our Father in heaven. Just because I feel rejected doesn't mean what I'm doing is worthless. It could be the most important thing I've ever done. What time doesn't heal, God can still use.

Keep Guard!

Keep your heart with all diligence,
For out of it spring the issues of life.
Proverbs 4:23



The Lord is teaching me how biased my thinking is.

The Lie: I'm being cheated out of a family.

The Truth: My daughter and my step-sons do not belong to me - they belong to Him. I have been given the oppurtunity here in this world to have a hand in raising them.

The Lie: Being a believer who seeks God's face makes me better than an ex or step parent who doesn't. (OUCH! I of course don't consciously set out to think this - but it does sneak up!)

The Truth: Our ex's deserve respect as people, His creation. They are loved by God, warts and all - just like me. I can't afford not to love them.

The Lie: What I preceive to be true must be true.

The Truth: The old adage, "Walk a mile..." yup - I never know what is going on with the ex's or step parents. It is just not right to judge the situation based on their actions alone.

The Lessons: Part IV

"Daddy said I might live with him and go to school next year."

I thought I had done the "letting go" thing already, but when I heard these words - I physically felt pain in my heart. I barely held myself together the long, winding ride home as I stared out of the window at the beautiful countryside, breathing in those sacred rural flavors - my mind raced with the all the reasons. All the logical reasons why my daughters father didn't deserve a chance to father his very own daughter. We homeschool, we do things differently, we learn differently, I go at her pace. She will have to be held back a grade - public school isn't the answer. Will she be emotionally and psychologically traumatized from being held back a grade? What about her violin lessons? Her teacher says she has promise. He hasn't really supported her in this. Will all of her hard work and effort be thrown away? Her father refuses to communicate with me and her step mother doesn't hide her hatred for me - can this really be good for her? Will I even be able to be an active participant in her everyday life? Will I even be informed about school functions and her activities? What about her moral upbringing? Her father isn't a believer, will she forget all of the lessons I've taught her about growing up to be a young women who loves God? Will it matter to her anymore? Will she forsake what is right for the broad path? Will she fall in love with the world? Will she get the affection and attention from her father she seeks after so ravenously? Will she be a little girl when it's my turn again?

Stillness.

Remember.

Lord about those lessons you taught me? Now? Let go now? But so much is at stake. Certainly I wouldn't be a good mom if I let go now. I have to fight, protect my daughter. I am her advocate.

I AM.

I'm starting to remember. Oh Lord no, please no, not now - please just a few more years. Please give me time. Please Oh God, please. I see just a glimpse Lord - I can't hold on to nothing - please give me something to hope in..something to aim for, something to make it all worth it.

It is simply faith my dear child. That is all I desire. Just obey Me, trust Me. Walk by faith, not by sight.

But........I've obeyed you until now.
I've obeyed you until now, and this is where it has brought me. I get it. I don't have to fight. Your yoke is easy, Your burden light. I get it. Where you go I will follow. I've followed you here. I'll stay here until you ask more of me. I love you Lord. Thank you. Help me. Give me strength to face tomorrow and courage to obey you. Lord you have taught me how my husbands ex must feel. It makes me sad for her and angry all at once. I pray for a heart of forgiveness.

The Lessons: Part III

My older step-son had voiced his desire to live with us two summers ago. My husband did nothing to pursue them. I was mad. Why wasn't he after them? What was wrong with him? I knew that the separation he already suffered from them was agonizing. He misses everything. I knew he wanted them. What was he communicated to the boys by not doing something, anything with what they had communicated? Then it all clicked. He didn't feel he had a chance. I told him it didn't matter what the chances were, he wants them, they want him, he is their father for crying out loud - he would never forgive himself if he remained passive during such a time. Regardless of the outcome, he owed it to them, to himself to try.

Turns out, he was right.

Time had spanned almost a year from the time my step son had voiced his desires. He was now 14, and just gotten into a groove with a wonderful group of friends in his youth group. He loved his new piano teacher. It was finally a solace, a silver lining to the painstaking life of a broken family. Moving twice, once 6 hours away from his dad, then 3 days away, had finally not seemed so bad. Look at where it has brought me - not so bad. I still get to see dad in the summer. Life was good.

Then my husband decides now is the time. I have to try. He drums up the courage to talk to his ex-wife about what he already knows will be a defeat. He decides to mention it and ask her to think about it and they will talk again. Before they have a chance to talk, she goes to my step son and asks him if he want to move in with dad - of course his answer is no.

From this point on she is a brick wall. No way. Of course her reasons are logical. They always are.

I watched it all unfold. I got mad. I got angry. I got bitter. I just couldn't understand what the hang up was. We all get along, we are all Christians. My husband loves his boys and is passionate about their upbringing. I prayed. I had to forgive. Then I realized it was all for a reason. Who am I to stand in between my daughter and her father? How could I be so selfish? Being a born again believer didn't suddenly make me better and it didn't give me any more right to parent than my ex. It was a hard lesson. But I heard it loud and clear - it was an answer to my prayer. I had to let my ex-spouse know he was free to be her father.

It took a few months before I remembered. I finally mentioned to my ex an opportunity for him to see her more. It didn't work out on his end, so I mentioned I didn't think our daughter thought she got to see enough of him. I then did what I knew the Lord had been slowly leading me to do for a long time. I said if there was ever a time when he and his wife thought it would be best for our daughter to live with them to let me know.

Sighs. I thought that was the hard part. Deep down, I guess I never really thought he would pursue her. Turns out I was wrong about him pursuing her, but right about him needing the freedom to do so.

The Lessons: Part II

In the Spring I was waiting for my daughter to finish her private art lesson. Her art teacher was gracious enough to allow me to sit in her "prayer room". She was such a sweet lady. She would turn on the radio so I could listen to a Focus on the Family broadcast while I waited.

This particular Spring day, the program was about Father's and their daughters. The Lord convicted my heart as I listened and wept. My daughter needed her dad. Period. Of course the first thing I wanted to do is make it happen. Problem #1 - her dad doesn't pursue her, much less have a real, affectionate relationship with her. He does his every other weekend obligation and that is it. All I could do was pray and ask God if I was doing anything to add to the problem.

Not long after it occurred to me that although my daughter often voiced to me that she wanted to see her father more, I never mentioned it to him. I really thought I was doing the right thing by taking advantage of the time he didn't "want". After all - this is the better place for her, we love God, and teach her what is right. We are training her to recognize all the worldliness and to choose what is good and right instead. Her dad isn't a believer and her step mom can't stand us - therefore they can't teach her what she needs. They can't possibly be what she needs. Thank heavens her father isn't pursuing her. WOW! Did God change my heart.

The statistics are staggering. Simply put - little girls need their dads. And although I believe my husband is a better father to her than her biological dad will ever be - what's done is done. He is her father. His right to parent her is or should be the same as mine. He isn't on drugs, or abusive. Nothing illegal is going on, and although I feel spiritual darkness is dangerous - that certainly wouldn't be taken into consideration in the courts. Regardless, my authority isn't solely the courts - it is My King. And my King had just told me little girls need their daddies - that is how they are designed. Who am I to stand in the way of such a thing? Although I hadn't been intentionally keeping her away from them - I hadn't been doing all I could. But what should I do? I prayed.

After praying it occurred to me that my ex-spouse possibly didn't pursue my daughter more because I was still in the way. He didn't feel like he had a chance. It was so clear. I knew at this point, I needed to confront him and apologize for some of my behaviors during our marriage. He says all of two words to me at our drop off/pick up times. Besides my normal cussing about once a year, I get nothing more. I was nervous, but I did it. Then I prayed some more.

By this time it became clear that I needed to somehow communicate with my daughter's father and my ex-spouse her need. I prayed.

The Lessons: Part I

My last post was written a bit out of order. I will be entering four posts explaining what events led up to that statement and how I responded.

The Lessons: Part I

Emasculation: #1 Reason for Divorce

Since I've been divorced and remarried I have learned a lot about the mistakes I made the first time around. Women in our culture are almost applauded for emasculating men, namely their husbands. It is often masked as success and given praise, even in the Church, but I have learned to spot it from afar and call it what it is - sin. What's worse is that I still find myself often treating my husband in the same way. Undermining his authority as head of our home and spiritual leader of our family. Of course I am an over-achieving, ambitious women so it is okay for me to be over bearing - WRONG! In doing so, we cut off the very life blood of our husbands and make them feel like failures. They were designed by our Creator to desire and be fulfilled through the relationship of marriage. We, as wives have the incredible ability and precious role of help meet. What a privilege to be equipped to satisfy my husband in such a way - to be what He desires more than anything else. To think I was created to fulfill him in such a way that He would deem me the most precious thing in his life - above all else. Yet I often forfeit such a right simply by the way I behave. How many blessings do your children miss out on unknowingly simply because they weren't doing what they were supposed to be doing? Regardless, I've learned. I am ambitious now, not to repeat history - but to be the desired help meet my husband was designed to have. I want to meet his needs. I realized this was something I did to my ex-husband. I had a hand in emasculating him and making him feel like an utter failure. It is no big surprise he wanted out. When men are being discouraged to be men as they were created, they will ultimately rebel against whatever is standing in the way. Too often wives are standing in the way. Men typically in this situation do one of two things: leave, or look for "love" in all the wrong places. I'm not excusing men not working, leaving their spouses with all the responsibility of everyday life. I'm certainly not excusing infidelity. I'm an advocate and cheerleader of marriage, no matter how hard the situation seems. I simply feel like as women, enough is enough. We can no longer sin against the role God has given us as help meets to our husbands and jump on the "man - bashing" bandwagon and give them all the blame - just because our society is okay with it. We have to quit pointing our fingers and be willing to see where we have been at fault, repent and seek God. I am not responsible for my ex-spouses sin - only mine.