Meditating on the Word

Last year, in December, my husband and I suffered a miscarriage as a result of our first pregnancy as a married couple. It was very sad. But we found out how common it actually is to miscarry and we were hopeful for another chance. About three weeks ago, we found out we were pregnant again! This time we chose not to tell the children until the four month mark at Christmas. This would be perfect since the boys would be in town and it would be everybody's turn to be with us for Christmas.
Thursday I went to the doctor with a few symptoms which were not encouraging. The doctor could find no heartbeat, and he couldn't see any baby - but wouldn't say for sure it was a miscarriage - hoping I'm just not as far along as we all thought. Many thoughts were going through my head - thoughts that were not so good to be meditating on. Was there some sin in my life that needed to be dealt with? Could this be a sign from God? Punishment? Are we not good enough parents to have more? Yes - believe it or not, I get sucked in pretty quick to negative thoughts. The doctor hadn't even confirmed a miscarriage and already I was condemning myself.
I took a deep breath and decided we should have family night one night early. We had a good night of laughter, Little House on the Praire, pizza, ice cream and brownies with our daughter. Then it was off to bed for her, and there I sat. Thankfully the Lord spoke to me through His word and through a friend and my thoughts began to reflect His Truth. And just to make me feel special God brought just the right thing at the right time - my 14 yr old step-son popped up on Facebook asking me if I would mind proofing a paper he had written. It was so nice to be needed. That may sound silly, but they are so far away, living such a different life than we are - it was nice just to know I had been thought of. Call me a nerd, but I had a blast proofing his little paper!
The next day as I was cleaning and listening to Chip Ingram's Living on the Edge program, I heard him speaking about the importance of meditating on Truth. It was a good reminder. (Does God ever have to tell you things repetitively?) Whatever we set our minds on controls us. So during this waiting season of my life - I shall meditate gladly on God's word - knowing in Him whatever the outcome, I am secure in the promises of His love. Will you meditate with me?

Isaiah 38:15 - 19 - a praise to God from Hezekiah who the Lord had just promised to heal and add 15 years to his life

John 15 - abide

And I don't know why, but this one is my favorite for right now -

Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. Being found in appearance as man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on the cross.

Phillipians 2:5-8

What Time Doesn't Heal

It is the little things that are struggles for us step-moms. I got a letter in the mail stating my step-son was to represent our county in October in a State Variety Contest since he won a regional variety contest this past summer. I was immediately excited. I thought, "We're going to be able to see the boys!" That was my first thought....geeze when will I learn it isn't up to us when we see them. I sent an e-mail to the mother letting her know the situation. Her husband, the boy's step-father, is home from overseas this month, and they have a trip planned with him - so the contest is a no-go. I'm trying so hard to understand. I'm really trying not to be selfish. It is right - it is right. It is right for them to be together, to have their family united for a short time. I guess it just feels like there is more evidence. More evidence that the boys don't really have a life here, a home. It is just where they spend a few weeks in the summer. Sighs. I'm grieving. I'm grieving not having a family. Time only stacks up more evidence it seems. More evidence prooving I don't have a family.
Then I remember. I remember about the sacrificial love of our Father in heaven. I must focus on this. He gave up His only Son - His very position at the right hand of the Father in heaven so that we could be a part of His family. So we could be adopted, grafted into His family. So we could have unbroken fellowship with Him. I remember that it is my reasonable service to sacrifice my life to Him because of this. It is the least I can do. I don't love the boys because I can see them, because I have the opportunity to share my life with them. I don't love them because they are my husbands boys, and therefore mine. I don't love them because they love me. I love him because He first loved me.
I know what I'm doing here, being a step-mom, isn't anything compared to what many people go through, what their struggles are. I've never lost a child to death, I've never struggled through cancer. But this walk is hard to accept nontheless. It goes against human nature. That I should sacrifice my finances, time, energy, plans, and dreams for children who could never give me what most children give their parents - simply themselves. They aren't mine to receive, yet I've been called to give of myself to them. When I grieve what I can't have as a stepmother it comforts me to remember the sacrifices our Father has made so that all those willing could be grafted into the family of Christ. I remember the many times I rejected His sacrficial love. I look around at our world and I see how He is rejected by so many over and over. When I feel rejected I have learned to feel ever closer to our Father in heaven. Just because I feel rejected doesn't mean what I'm doing is worthless. It could be the most important thing I've ever done. What time doesn't heal, God can still use.