The Lessons: Part III

My older step-son had voiced his desire to live with us two summers ago. My husband did nothing to pursue them. I was mad. Why wasn't he after them? What was wrong with him? I knew that the separation he already suffered from them was agonizing. He misses everything. I knew he wanted them. What was he communicated to the boys by not doing something, anything with what they had communicated? Then it all clicked. He didn't feel he had a chance. I told him it didn't matter what the chances were, he wants them, they want him, he is their father for crying out loud - he would never forgive himself if he remained passive during such a time. Regardless of the outcome, he owed it to them, to himself to try.

Turns out, he was right.

Time had spanned almost a year from the time my step son had voiced his desires. He was now 14, and just gotten into a groove with a wonderful group of friends in his youth group. He loved his new piano teacher. It was finally a solace, a silver lining to the painstaking life of a broken family. Moving twice, once 6 hours away from his dad, then 3 days away, had finally not seemed so bad. Look at where it has brought me - not so bad. I still get to see dad in the summer. Life was good.

Then my husband decides now is the time. I have to try. He drums up the courage to talk to his ex-wife about what he already knows will be a defeat. He decides to mention it and ask her to think about it and they will talk again. Before they have a chance to talk, she goes to my step son and asks him if he want to move in with dad - of course his answer is no.

From this point on she is a brick wall. No way. Of course her reasons are logical. They always are.

I watched it all unfold. I got mad. I got angry. I got bitter. I just couldn't understand what the hang up was. We all get along, we are all Christians. My husband loves his boys and is passionate about their upbringing. I prayed. I had to forgive. Then I realized it was all for a reason. Who am I to stand in between my daughter and her father? How could I be so selfish? Being a born again believer didn't suddenly make me better and it didn't give me any more right to parent than my ex. It was a hard lesson. But I heard it loud and clear - it was an answer to my prayer. I had to let my ex-spouse know he was free to be her father.

It took a few months before I remembered. I finally mentioned to my ex an opportunity for him to see her more. It didn't work out on his end, so I mentioned I didn't think our daughter thought she got to see enough of him. I then did what I knew the Lord had been slowly leading me to do for a long time. I said if there was ever a time when he and his wife thought it would be best for our daughter to live with them to let me know.

Sighs. I thought that was the hard part. Deep down, I guess I never really thought he would pursue her. Turns out I was wrong about him pursuing her, but right about him needing the freedom to do so.