The Lessons: Part IV

"Daddy said I might live with him and go to school next year."

I thought I had done the "letting go" thing already, but when I heard these words - I physically felt pain in my heart. I barely held myself together the long, winding ride home as I stared out of the window at the beautiful countryside, breathing in those sacred rural flavors - my mind raced with the all the reasons. All the logical reasons why my daughters father didn't deserve a chance to father his very own daughter. We homeschool, we do things differently, we learn differently, I go at her pace. She will have to be held back a grade - public school isn't the answer. Will she be emotionally and psychologically traumatized from being held back a grade? What about her violin lessons? Her teacher says she has promise. He hasn't really supported her in this. Will all of her hard work and effort be thrown away? Her father refuses to communicate with me and her step mother doesn't hide her hatred for me - can this really be good for her? Will I even be able to be an active participant in her everyday life? Will I even be informed about school functions and her activities? What about her moral upbringing? Her father isn't a believer, will she forget all of the lessons I've taught her about growing up to be a young women who loves God? Will it matter to her anymore? Will she forsake what is right for the broad path? Will she fall in love with the world? Will she get the affection and attention from her father she seeks after so ravenously? Will she be a little girl when it's my turn again?

Stillness.

Remember.

Lord about those lessons you taught me? Now? Let go now? But so much is at stake. Certainly I wouldn't be a good mom if I let go now. I have to fight, protect my daughter. I am her advocate.

I AM.

I'm starting to remember. Oh Lord no, please no, not now - please just a few more years. Please give me time. Please Oh God, please. I see just a glimpse Lord - I can't hold on to nothing - please give me something to hope in..something to aim for, something to make it all worth it.

It is simply faith my dear child. That is all I desire. Just obey Me, trust Me. Walk by faith, not by sight.

But........I've obeyed you until now.
I've obeyed you until now, and this is where it has brought me. I get it. I don't have to fight. Your yoke is easy, Your burden light. I get it. Where you go I will follow. I've followed you here. I'll stay here until you ask more of me. I love you Lord. Thank you. Help me. Give me strength to face tomorrow and courage to obey you. Lord you have taught me how my husbands ex must feel. It makes me sad for her and angry all at once. I pray for a heart of forgiveness.